There is uproar in the Britain’s leafy suburbs and shires today, after it was announced waste disposal contractors have been given the green light by local authorities to change household waste collections from a schedule of fortnightly to once a year.
CEO of French waste management firm, Merde, told BBC: ‘Since you Brits sold off waste disposal to City spivs and wide-boys who zen sold it to us, our sole concern has been to make money for our investors. Zerefore from January 1st, bins will be collected once a year.
'So what, if ze householders suffer a much worse service? This is la privatisation, non? We make a fortune and ze public suffers. As we say en France… pfft! C’est la vie, mon ami.’
A spokesman for one council wishing to remain anonymous said: ‘Well perhaps this idea seems radical at first sight, but it’s one that will see great environmental improvements. For example with many fewer bin lorries on our roads our carbon footprint and exhaust gas pollution will be significantly reduced.
‘And even if some squalor-related illness reappear as a result it will be a small price to pay when you consider the overall benefits to our environment. And anyway, we’ve got antibiotics these days so what’s the problem? Bubonic Plague, should it resurface, will not be an issue worth worrying about.
'There will be no more petty squabbles between couples over whose turn it is to put out the rubbish. They will simply adopt a system of husbands one year and wives the next. All those tiffs of the past will be consigned to the dustbin.'