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Bloviation cloud covers much of England

Defra has a 10-point scale for measuring air quality - with 1 a low-risk editorial, up to a 10-point Boris Johnson ‘$hit storm of unintelligible twaddle’. Throughout the election, noise pollution levels are expected to reach a toxic level, with foggy pomposity and noxious hyperbole.

A weather analyst: ‘Try to avoid the miasma emanating from politician’s mouths. In TV debates you may experience some sore eyes, coughing and a natural desire to swallow bleach. We advise most viewers to put their fingers in their ears and poke their eyes out with a fork – it’s safer that way’.

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