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Boris to teach the fuzzy wuzzies wiff waff

Theresa May has taken the bold decision to appoint Poundland’s Colonel Blimp to a place where he can do some actual harm. The new Foreign Secretary said he would teach the natives from Kathmandu to Merseyside, the basics of Latin-vocab, the LBW rule and how to use a soup spoon.

Fluent in several languages, all of them bigot, Mr. Johnson is a natural choice to be the face of the UK – even if that face looks like a confused orangutan. Drawing on his years of multi-cultural experience from Eton and Oxford, a spokesman for Mr. Johnson insisted: ‘That some of his best friends are black - if by ‘friends’ you meant waitresses’.

Resplendent in a bespoke union-jack themed bowler hat, Mr. Johnson plans to meet foreign dignitaries with an open hand – which he will later wash with carbolic. A spokesman said: ‘If a bloated clown stuck on a zip-wire feebly waving a flag doesn’t symbolize the halcyon days of the British Empire, I don’t know what does? He will help to make Britain’s workers great again - if by ‘great’ you meant waitresses.’

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