Burnham 'If charity could sort everything out, that would be grand'

Without a twinge of irony, the PM helped raise money for a cause he could solve in one day. Rather than end rough sleeping, Mr. Burnham thought the appropriate action was to get all sweaty for a charity that was doing his job for him. He was alleged to have mumbled in a northern dialect, ‘I could help but I'd rather jog off’.

With nipples chaffing, the Prime Minister celebrated his victory against homeliness by high-fiving a tramp. Asked why he doesn't volunteer at the shelter, Burnham explained that running past the shelter at speed creates a powerful crosswind of compassion. Every time somebody suggested tackling the root cause of the problem, an aide pointed at his medal and said, ‘Andy prefers to tackle the route cause.’

He also spent six months training for a sponsored 5K to combat world hunger, then celebrated crossing the finish line by eating seventeen pastries. He insisted that the true cure for homelessness was watching 4,000 office workers dressed as bananas jog through a city centre on a Sunday morning. Staff began referring to him as a ‘frontline responder’ because he overtook a man dressed as a giraffe.

Years later, the problem will still exist, but Burnham will have a drawer full of participation T-shirts as tangible proof that something very energetic was definitely done about it.

photo: Wikimedia Commons https://rb.gy/olqqwg

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