In a serious upheaval of playground safety, G4S have won the contract to provide security for the UK’s parks. A spokesman confirmed: ‘It was felt that parents were too over-regulated and likely to forget the needs of shareholders. £1000 per child to play kiss chase or catch a ball is small price to pay for security. Once we’ve got the kiddies bagged and tagged, we’ll have them potty trained before you know it. But any misuse of the slides will result in a tasering’.