The Co-operative needs to tackle the £1.5bn deficit, which is the cash equivalent of 20 years of lost illegal and immoral investment opportunities. A banking advisor confirmed; ‘They can no longer ignore the needs of key customers. Terrorists, corrupt regimes – they all need reasonably priced mortgages. You can’t just throw cash at clean energy, Fairtrade or people with accents.'
Limping and clearly covered in bruises, one Co-op Manager was willing to talk to the Press: 'All 100,000 Co-op employees will go through an induction process with exercises such as tearing up love letters, deforestation and puppy strangling. We need to embrace our inner demons and fight against corporation tax wherever we see it,' he said, spitting out a tooth.