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Corbyn wins Keir Hardie's beard

With a stonking 61.8% of votes by registered Labour members and 100% of anyone vaguely socialist, Jeremy Corbyn has won the right to don the facial fuzz of the party's first MP. Replacing his own threadbare stubble, Corbyn will now be able to revel in a luxurious 'beast of a beard', that still contains remnants of porridge oats and a dead canary.

Previous Labour leaders were given the option of wearing Mr. Hardie's bristles but most declined - with Neil Kinnock choking on it and hapless Ed Miliband using it as a merkin. By contrast Mr. Corbyn has promised that 'Momentum Kids' will be able to use his new ample beard as a playground, with the lower strands set aside to house Syrian refugees and badgers. Wrote one Blair advisor in the Telegraph: 'Nobody wants a bearded socialist redistributing wealth - so Santa Claus can f$ck off'.

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