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Diana memorial garden to be 'bland, vacuous and covered in men'

Ahead of the 20th anniversary of Princess Diana's death, a memorial will be created to her twin contributions to public life of 'taking up space' and 'lying vacant'. An 80's themed 'Eternal Flame' will be lit in her honour, complete with 'Bangles' accompaniment, bushes will be sculptured into Wham-esque quiffs and the garden will be freshly laid each day by variety of unsuitable suitors.

A Kensington spokesman said: 'The public will be encouraged to wander around claiming to know her. Like most things associated with the Princess, it's important that we mawkishly remember this as being substantially better than it was. Landmines will be tastefully placed under the lawn; not to remind us of her charity work but to symbolise the explosive impact she had Queen's Public Relations'.

Visitors will be required to walk barefoot through the remembrance rock garden, featuring car parts embedded in concrete columns. Although park keepers have warned that any lost footwear will be immediately disposed of - 'Like a sandal in the bin'.

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