Despite scurillous online rumors, the unnamed pooch distanced himself from the disgraced Lord. 'Nothing happened. Nobody saw anything. And besides dog's are not reliable witnesses.'
A spokeswoman confirmed: 'Baron Austin of Dudley has no connection with Battersea Dogs Home and in no way smears his nether regions with Pedigree Chum.' The dog in question could not identify his abuser, other than saying his hands were very 'ruff'.