Dominic Raab has revealed what he did with the body of someone who threatened to attack him.
The Deputy Prime Minister claims he received three “threats to life and limb” that have resulted in pre-emptive attacks launched by himself or with the help of Scotland Yard.
Raab told reporters, “I received very specific information about a planned acid attack. and so I decided to stake out the address of the suspect – a normal, respectable family man with three children, now orphans.”
“The threats were made to me personally and were quite graphic in their detail. He wasn’t so fucking cocky when I started smashing his door down with an axe.”
Raab then detailed how he abducted the individual with his trademark sneer before escorting him to his two-hundred acre Surrey estate.
Raab continued, “I don’t know whether you’ve ever tried to dispose of human remains, but pigs are terribly efficient at devouring what’s left of a terrorist after he’s been through a Biojack 300E – a machine primarily used for shredding timber.”
“Anyway, that’s where my twin porkers Hamble and Jemimah really came into their own.”
He added, “Anyone who’s ever taken lunch with Priti Patel in the Commons canteen will know what I’m talking about.”