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‘Don't worry, I got this covered’ says PM

Surrounded by canned goods, Theresa May sent out a reassuring message to the British public, deep from within the bowels of No.10’s bespoke nuclear bunker. Strapping on a bullet-proof vest, Mrs May emphasized that everything was ‘fine’ and that there should be no cause for alarm – provided we all know CPR, have a plentiful supply of ammo and knowledge of how to skin a rat.

A Downing Street spokeswoman paused from stockpiling medication, to explain: ‘Austerity means not wasting money on public services when there’s not a disaster. Likewise, when a disaster occurs, it would be profligate to fund emergency services when all the public are now dead. They just wouldn’t appreciate the benefits.

‘Some of you, will be touched by recent tragedies, while others will be affected by the catastrophes we’ve planned – either way, we are all in this together – we just don’t have a life jacket in your size. But never fear, we value the lives of ordinary people – certainly as a reliable source of organ donation.’

Mrs May said that public safety was her priority and that she was pleased to launch her own branded ‘strong and stable™’ survival kits (retailing at £499); containing winter fuel, a school lunch and the ‘Brexit Guide to living on Boiled Shoe’. The Prime Minister promised to do everything she could to reduce poverty – starting with the poor people.

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