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Duke of Edinburgh to retire from stand-up

The Duke, the scourge of political correctness, will no longer be touring working men’s clubs with his Bernard Manning tribute act. He was always a firm favourite at the Royal Variety Performance, with ribald songs, ethnic stereotypes and saucy ‘Queen Mother-in-law’ jokes. Currently his Royal Duties will be limited to measuring the ‘slitty-eyed-ness’ of foreign dignitaries and paying hush money to Diana’s security guards.

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