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DUP: 'Away an catch yerselves on! We're not irrelevant crackpots, so we're not!'

A couple of years is a long time in politics, and none feel it more keenly than members of the DUP's parliamentary party.

Ever since the group of reactionary oddballs, keen to return to their happy place - the 14th century - was shat on from a great height by Boris Johnson, when Tories no longer needed to endure the shame of having them prop up the Westminster government, the Northern Ireland group has had to come to the bitter acceptance, that once again, they are a total irrelevance in British politics.

However, DUP spokesman and Witchfinder General, Nelson Nelson, was today refusing to accept what everyone else sees as cold hard facts.

'Away an catch yerselves on! Sure, we're as relevant today as we've ever been. And as a matter of fact we intend to bring forward a private members' bill to call for the reinstatement of the rack, thumbscrews and the breaking wheel for heretics, Catholics and those found guilty of homosexuality, witchcraft, or worst of all, being one of thon other crowd.

'We certainly will continue to make our voices heard, so we will. No doubt about that. Oh aye, mark my words. Tiocfaidh ár lá... no... hang on a minute... erm... ah ballix to it!'

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