Reform UK becomes KU Mrofer to wipe slate clean

Reform UK was only founded eight years ago,' said a rants-man for the former party, 'but it became so overwhelmed by allegations of sleaze and racism that we have shut it down and started up the all-new, squeaky clean KU Mrofer.

'It sounds a bit suspiciously foreign and exotic, 'KU Mrofer', but we swear it's as exotic as a full English breakfast and a Rothmans afterwards.

'And our leader, who never appears in the Commons any more because they keep swiping his prayer card, has stepped down in favour of an all-new leering charlatan called Legin Eragaf.

'Just let them try pinning anything on Legin in a Parliamentary Standards Committee hearing. We just invented him, so he's as pure as the driven snow. 'But if anyone feels like loading some crypto-currency into the Legin Eragaf account, for whatever reason, I'm sure he wouldn't refuse it.'

Lords seek assurances assisted dying won’t apply to them

As the House of Commons once again debates assisted dying, the Lords, which rejected the bill last time around, is seeking assurances they won’t be affected.

'It’s a question of who it applies to,' said Lord Bufton of Tufton. 'When I look at these criteria - less than six months to live, unable to live independently without constant care, unable to give informed consent - almost everyone in this chamber seems to qualify.

'I’m afraid if you want our support, we’re going to need assurances that the law won’t apply to posh people as it does to everyone else. Which is standard practice, after all.'

At this point, a number of his colleagues suddenly woke up as they thought he’d said something about hunting, shooting, fishing or inheritance tax exemptions, but quickly fell asleep again.

Image: Lords debates Russia / Ukraine - UK Parliament

Plan to house homeless people in Travelodge hotels is ‘unsafe’

The Prime Minister has unveiled a plan to end rough sleeping, promising to 'get everyone in for Christmas' by offering homeless people accommodation in Travelodge hotels.

However, the plan has been criticised by one homelessness charity, who pointed out that asking homeless people to sleep in a Travelodge may not be the safest solution, citing several recent reports of strangers walking into occupied rooms.

'We don’t think it’s appropriate to put vulnerable people somewhere where they can be woken at 2am by a complete stranger who’s been given a key to their room,' said charity spokesman Steve Wilkes, who then added, 'They’d be safer on the streets.'

The Government has defended its proposal, insisting that homeless people would be offered 'a warm room with a bed, a tiny kettle, and a self-service breakfast'.

'We think it’s a reasonable offer,' said Burnham.

However, when asked if he would personally sleep in a Travelodge room where a stranger could potentially walk in, Burnham reportedly paused for several seconds before saying, 'Let’s move on.'

One charity has suggested that homeless people could be allowed to sleep in the corridors of the House of Commons, but some MPs were concerned that they would have access to the on-site gym, social club and subsidised bars and restaurants. One MP warned that allowing homeless people into the Commons could set a dangerous precedent: 'Before you know it, they’ll be claiming expenses, taking long lunches and falling asleep during debates.'

Image credit: perchance.org

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