Second House of Commons may be needed

We’ve all had that useless colleague, the one who swans about looking and sounding important but never does any actual fecking work.

For more than a century, Britain has had a special warehouse to store the worst examples, safely keeping them away from the workplace. Located in central London, the House of Commons has brought relief to hundreds of businesses over the years.

‘I didn’t realise how much she was pecking at my head,' said Jenny, a sales manager from Wolverhampton. ‘Then she got this ‘job’ as a – get this – Member of Parliament (hashtag made-up-jobs) – and swanned off. It was like a weight being lifted. The company’s doing really well now.'

Sadly, with the rise in access to higher education and crap TV like Love Island, the nation is teeming with useless people, and 650 places is nowhere near enough. Plans are under way to build a second House of Commons to house the useless. Possible sites include Cardiff, Edinburgh and Epping.

Last word goes to ‘Robert’ (his real name), one of the warehoused useless people: ‘We do really vital work here. I like pointing at cartoons and ordering them to be painted over to make children cry, but I also fight crime with a video camera. We’re all in different gangs. My gang’s the best. If I can make enough children cry, then they’ll make me the leader of the gang, and I’ll be able to make speeches on telly instead of Twitter. I don’t miss having a job, this is way better. On Thursdays, we have sponge cake and custard.'

Image credit: Wix AI

Farage rage over bouncy castle

Nigel Farage has expressed anger after parliament provided a bouncy castle reward for MPs with 100% attendance records.

Some MPs said the excluded MP were being 'abused' and 'emotionally damaged' by the institution.

However, in an email to MPs, Speaker Lindsay Hoyle, said the reward was 'never designed to punish or discriminate.'

He wrote: 'We wanted to reward MPs for excellent attendance, which we thought was an exceptional accomplishment. Even if they spent the whole day asleep when they got here.'

Picture credit: deep dream generator

Assisted Dying: A handy guide

Now that the Bill on assisted dying has passed in the House of Commons, and is likely to become law, here is our handy guide to the act and its ramifications:

The legislation is only for terminal illness. No longer having a 28-inch waist does not count as this.

You must have fewer than six months to live. Despite being insufferable, and death feeling like a better option, a cooked breakfast and two paracetamol will help you get over a hangover.

Your assisted death requires signoff by two doctors. This means medical doctors. Your friend's PhD in history is only impressive when you're watching University Challenge, so save it for then.

These doctors take cases one at a time - so you won't get a two-for-one deal. Also note that the doctors aren't usually allowed to work on commission.

You're case will be subject to review by a social worker, so expect around a six-month wait followed by a perfunctory signoff because they're too busy to do any proper work.

You must persuade a senior legal figure of your right to die, so now is the best time to get your affairs - and golf swing - in order.

You cannot choose the way you die, so firing squad and walking the plank are not feasible options. Neither is death by orgasm from the celebrity of your choice; and definitely not her, as she's been dead for twenty years. However, if you go private, you can be shot by a jealous husband on the birthday of your choice.

Women, death by chocolate is available, but in true 'wishes from a Genie' style, this will involve having a pallet of Dairy Milk dropped on you from a great height. Or, if you go private, Lindt.

Due to this being the NHS, Customers are requested to avoid using our services at peak times for assisted dying, e.g. during one of Starmer's televised speeches, when millions of people across the country lose the will to live and jam the phone lines.

Should the service be unavailable, Patients are instead advised to use the replacement stepping under a bus service. However, bus services can be irregular, so there may be extended waiting times, and also the danger of being run over twice in quick succession.

Original Author: jamesdoc   

With contributions from: deskpilot, Titus, lockjaw, sydalg, rowly

Image credit: Deep dream generator