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Interpol searching for Nigel Farage


The Metropolitan Police has thrown its collective arms up in despair after searching fruitlessly for weeks for the not-usually-publicity-shy Reform leader. 'We tried the House of Commons but drew a blank, we even contacted Clacton police station but they just laughed and hung up on us,' said a spokesman.


The BBC Question Time team has been approached for clues, but they're as puzzled as everyone else. Even Laura Kuenssberg hasn't seen him and is pining.


'We've asked Interpol to assist, but we're not holding our breath. Their liaison asked if we'd checked the South Coast for dinghies that could be transporting him. We don't think they're taking it very seriously, either,' the spokesman said.


Image: WixAI

I've been a sub-dom non-tax paying UK citizen for thirty years, says Jacob Rees-Mogg



Following on from the furore surrounding Chancellor Rishi Sunak's wife's non-dom tax avoidance status, The Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told a newspaper that he's been a paid practitioner of a deviant sexual practice involving bondage and flagellation, colloquially referred to as submission/domination, or, sub/dom for short, without declaring his earnings to the Inland Revenue.


Speaking in The Sunday Times, Mogg, a devout Catholic, admitted: 'I've been involved in the sub/dom world pretty much since I left Eton forty or so years back.


'I think it's a public school thing, to be honest.


'We used to flog the younger boys regularly, and, on occasion, would get them to return the favour.


'I opened a sub/dom bawdy house in St James's after leaving school and ran the entire show for thirty years at a handsome profit without paying a penny in income tax.


'I now fully intend to recompense the exchequer for the full amount and shall be asking my mistress in Pimlico to flog me to the bone by way of penance.'


Rees-Mogg was reprimanded by the Government Chief Whip in nineteen ninety-seven for asking a female House of Commons staff member to beat him bloody with a barbed scourge in the ladies' toilets.



First published 14 April 2022


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New government chief of communications positive spin machine installed wrong way up



Bojo the not clown sure can pick 'em.


Newly appointed head of communications at Number 10, Guto Harri, has had an epic first day on the job. Not quite up to GB News standards of continued employment, makes Harri the undisputed first choice for saying things right at the highest seat of power.


Grabbing prime real estate headline space across medialand for all of the wrong reasons, immediately solidifies him as exactly the sort of chap Boris Johnson needs to ensure the Great nation of Britain continues to be utterly embarrassed in the cringeworthy manner to which it has become accustomed.


Such instant classics to gain the seal of approval from the Downing Street Collective Lobotomy Trust include:


'The Prime Minister isn't a complete clown. He didn't party every night. And he definitely didn't break all of his own lockdown rules. Indeed, not every party he illegally attended is being investigated by the Met.


'During the period of the pandemic, Boris Johnson didn't put absolutely everyone in harm's way. Repeatedly. Quite a few people in care homes actually survived.


'Despite what some are saying, Boris hasn't mislead the House of Commons on every single occasion. He only illegally prorogued Parliament a bit. And he almost actually got some of Brexit done.


'He is not the sort of person to create the perfect conditions allowing his closest chums, donors and enemies of the state to cream billions out of the taxpayer purse. And anyone who points out that serious fraud has been rampant on his watch, very much needs to take a good look at a thesaurus of synonyms for rampant.'




First published 10 Feb 2022


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