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Tory MP told he cannot take sombrero into Commons



The Speaker of the House of Commons has told a Conservative MP he cannot take his sombrero into the House during late night sittings.


The MP was spotted trying to smuggle a large hat into the chambers late on Friday night. Although there are no actual rules forbidding the wearing of hats in the Commons, the Speaker said MPs should dress in a business-like manner and a sombrero was not considered appropriate attire for the occasion.


When asked why he wanted to take a sombrero into the Commons, the MP said it was a personal matter and he was not at liberty to divulge his reasons. But it definitely was not to hide erections.


Then, in a classic Conservative u-turn, the MP did let slip that he had been told by a fellow Tory MP that if he was thinking about getting a head in the Commons, he should seriously think about getting a hat.


'It was something along those lines... although to be fair he was wearing a ball-gag at the time'.



Image from Pixabay by fotshot


First published 30 April 2022



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Relief after 'big beast' metaphor saved from near-extinction



Lazy journalists around the country were breathing a sigh of relief today, after successfully reviving one of their most trusty go-to adjectives to describe aging, but still heavyweight Tory politicians.


Following Tory 'grandee' David Davis's call in Parliament on Wednesday for Boris Johnson to 'In the Name of God, Go', hundreds of sightings of the 'big beast' descriptor have been spotted today, from the broadsheet press and rolling news, to social media entries, and even on leading satirical news sites.


'It really has been a worrying time for lovers of the big beast metaphor', said Mickey Jones, seasoned hack and political writer at the Daily Mouthpiece. 'The House of Commons used to be full to the brim of big beasts, with Michael Heseltine, Geoffrey Howe, Michael Portillo and the like stalking round the chamber, with their distinctive mating calls, scratching their balls, and making their toilet all over the mace.'


'But appearances of big beast MPs have been rare in the last decade or so', continued Jones. 'Apart from the occasional alleged but unconfirmed sighting of Kenneth Clarke's Hush Puppies in the House.'


'A long-term programme by the Telegraph to promote Sunak, Hammond, Hunt and others to big beast status has been unsuccessful', continued Jones 'They're still total lightweights. However, whoever thought of the strategy of using Boris's incompetence as bait to bring the big beasts out of hiding is a genius - we can expect plenty more sightings over the coming days'.



First published 20 Jan 2022


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