Assisted Dying: A handy guide

Now that the Bill on assisted dying has passed in the House of Commons, and is likely to become law, here is our handy guide to the act and its ramifications:

The legislation is only for terminal illness. No longer having a 28-inch waist does not count as this.

You must have fewer than six months to live. Despite being insufferable, and death feeling like a better option, a cooked breakfast and two paracetamol will help you get over a hangover.

Your assisted death requires signoff by two doctors. This means medical doctors. Your friend's PhD in history is only impressive when you're watching University Challenge, so save it for then.

These doctors take cases one at a time - so you won't get a two-for-one deal. Also note that the doctors aren't usually allowed to work on commission.

You're case will be subject to review by a social worker, so expect around a six-month wait followed by a perfunctory signoff because they're too busy to do any proper work.

You must persuade a senior legal figure of your right to die, so now is the best time to get your affairs - and golf swing - in order.

You cannot choose the way you die, so firing squad and walking the plank are not feasible options. Neither is death by orgasm from the celebrity of your choice; and definitely not her, as she's been dead for twenty years. However, if you go private, you can be shot by a jealous husband on the birthday of your choice.

Women, death by chocolate is available, but in true 'wishes from a Genie' style, this will involve having a pallet of Dairy Milk dropped on you from a great height. Or, if you go private, Lindt.

Due to this being the NHS, Customers are requested to avoid using our services at peak times for assisted dying, e.g. during one of Starmer's televised speeches, when millions of people across the country lose the will to live and jam the phone lines.

Should the service be unavailable, Patients are instead advised to use the replacement stepping under a bus service. However, bus services can be irregular, so there may be extended waiting times, and also the danger of being run over twice in quick succession.

Original Author: jamesdoc   

With contributions from: deskpilot, Titus, lockjaw, sydalg, rowly

Image credit: Deep dream generator