Horoscopes for August by Simon the Scryer
- Lockjaw
- Aug 1
- 2 min read
Aries
You will be the man about town this month, in that you will be paraded through the streets with a noose around your neck, before the inevitable end. They don't take kindly to people messing with the landowner's daughter in these parts. I advise forgoing that journey to foreign parts
Taurus
You will be knighted. Sorry, you will be benighted. That is to say, you won't have a clue about what will be happening to you this month.
Gemini
Don't be fooled by the person looking back at you in John Lewis. It's a novelty mirror and you really don't have a doppelganger, you utter imbecile. If there were two of you, the end of days would have already occurred. But that doesn't happen until next Tuesday.
Cancer
Suggesting a game of rock, paper, scissors to your mugger will not turn out well for you this month
Leo
Good looks, wealth, impeccable taste. You really must stop staring into posh restaurant windows.
Virgo
Unlucky in love ? Persevere, there is someone out there for everyone, but your current 'plucked-chicken-coated-in-cuprinol' look could be making a mockery of this advice.
Libra
You will be working at a review of a public enquiry into an investigation probing the level of scrutiny of a feasibility study into the scope of the processes and procedures of some cobblers or another. Still, looks like you have employment for at least a few months making the sandwiches for the lunchtime recess. Result!
Scorpio
As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you. Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied. Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.
Sagittarius
The first book in a series of children's books will be dedicated to you. Make what you will of the motive behind 'The Stupid Old Fart’.
Capricorn
A man in a grey suit is haunting your dreams. While you contemplate your current life challenges, the man in the grey suit hovers in the background. Sometimes he offers suggestions but these aren't helpful and he often changes his mind anyway. He is interested in your benefits and pension pot and your savings and you are worried that he will take your purse.
Try not to worry about this. Things will be clarified in the Autumn Statement.
Aquarius
A black cat crossing your path will be the harbinger of a minor but painful incident or injury. If you own a black cat, or a number of black cats, this month will be a particularly trying one for you.
Pisces
Your diligent searching finally achieves the desired result this month. A treasure trove of hedge porn is yours for the taking.
Contributions from
StveB: Gemini
Deskpilot: Scorpio, Capricorn
Flasharry: Virgo, Aquarius
