Environmental Control Officers issued with state-of-the-art equipment in tighter crackdown on litter

News today Environment Control Officers are to be issued with portable electron microscopes to examine high street pavements for subatomic traces of rubber and leather being shed from the shoes of pedestrians. Those whose footwear who falls foul of inspection will be charged with littering and can expect to see on the spot fines of a cool £300 for each shoe, boot or trainer.

Former abattoir slaughterman and struck-off bailiff from Reading, Baz Clampett, is now one such newly appointed officer and commented. 'This is vital work I'm doing here. Our towns and cities are awash with this kind of previously undetected, casually discarded rubbish, and I for one, am glad to be doing my bit to stamp it out.

'Of course I miss the the strongarm tactics of my old job, but the endless opportunity to apply hard-faced, heartless and uncaring pedantry is very rewarding. And as I get £25 commission for everyone I nab. I've only come on shift an hour ago and already earned myself £200. Happy days, innit?'

When it was put to Council Leader, Darius Rembrandt, the move was yet another attack on a public already being financially squeezed from all sides in the current economic climate, he denied it was taxation by stealth, commenting, 'I refute that accusation one hundred percent. You're talking total rubbish.'

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