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MI5 have flagged a serious security threat from bogus roadmenders.


The service has noted over a dozen incidents where roadworks were carried out, but were not authorised by the local council, and were not traceable to a recognised utility company. The roadmenders vans often bear the names of genuine companies and claims to be working as subcontractors for legitimate companies, or for Thames Water. The signage, the traffic cones, and the complete absence of any work happening, make the bogus roadworks look very convincing.


In one case, strategically placed roadworks - and horrendous queues of traffic - were used to prevent the police from getting to a bank raid in time, and to allow the robbers to escape


MI5 believes that hostile actors, and roadmenders, may be interfering with Britain's utilities, installing devices that slow down broadband, syphon off electricity or clog up sewage systems. And they also use badly sequenced temporary traffic lights to mess up the transport system, with the aim of crippling the economy.


A spokesman said, 'It can be hard to tell bogus roadworks from the real thing. The telltale signs are slow broadband, potholes, sewage overflows, power cuts, poorly mended roads, and the smell of gas. Of course, sometimes these issues are the result of genuine incompetence, but we would encourage people to always call 999, just in case.'


image from pixabay


West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'.


Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies:


Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not be filling the holes with any more pot. Yours recreationally, AI.


Dear Colin, thank you for your letter about dog mess. No-one likes a messy dog. Have you considered dog grooming to tidy them up? Yours thoughtfully, AI.


Dear Brigadier, thank you for your shouty voicemail about speeding motorists. This is a matter for the rozzers. Our data suggests that when the rozzers set up speed traps they mostly catch local drivers, so you have been warned! In addition, the council is considering lowering the speed limit to 10mph. I hope we can count on your support. Your obedient servant, AI.


Dear Swampy, thank you for your letter about the climate emergency. We can all do our bit by reusing candle ends, using recycling bind correctly and by planting more forests. And also by growing your own veg, although there is currently a nine-year wait for an allotment. The council is committing to reducing this wait, subject to the availability of resources. Why not turn your heating down by one degree? The council is committed to achieving net-zero by 2065. The longest journey starts with a single step change. Your philosophically, AI


The residents did admit that although the AI replies were unhelpful and off-topic, they were actually better than those produced by the (now sacked) humans.



Image credit: perchance.org

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