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Environmental Control Officers issued with state-of-the-art equipment in tighter crackdown on litter


News today Environment Control Officers are to be issued with portable electron microscopes to examine high street pavements for subatomic traces of rubber and leather being shed from the shoes of pedestrians. Those whose footwear who falls foul of inspection will be charged with littering and can expect to see on the spot fines of a cool £300 for each shoe, boot or trainer.


Former abattoir slaughterman and struck-off bailiff from Reading, Baz Clampett, is now one such newly appointed officer and commented. 'This is vital work I'm doing here. Our towns and cities are awash with this kind of previously undetected, casually discarded rubbish, and I for one, am glad to be doing my bit to stamp it out.


'Of course I miss the the strongarm tactics of my old job, but the endless opportunity to apply hard-faced, heartless and uncaring pedantry is very rewarding. And as I get £25 commission for everyone I nab. I've only come on shift an hour ago and already earned myself £200. Happy days, innit?'


When it was put to Council Leader, Darius Rembrandt, the move was yet another attack on a public already being financially squeezed from all sides in the current economic climate, he denied it was taxation by stealth, commenting, 'I refute that accusation one hundred percent. You're talking total rubbish.'


image from google gemini

Council covers potholes with paintings of tarmac

Teeside council have admitted that they are using paintings of tarmac to disguise many of the potholes in local roads.


Local artists have been hired to render realistic images of tarmac and other road surfaces, to enable the potholes to blend in to the highway.


But residents have pointed out that the holes are still holes, and now that they are less visible they represent an even greater danger to cars.


The council released a statement saying the measure was not intended to disguise the road maintenance problem, and that they had commissioned local artists to "promote community relations" and "support the local art scene"


But locals suspect there may be another reason the council have made this unusual move.


"They're just doing it to cover up the English flags I painted in the holes", said a resident who did not want to be named. "I was trying to see if it would force them to fix the potholes. Pity it didn't work"


"But I've started painting the Israel flag instead" He said. "That works a bit better. I got one hole filled in with manure"



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