An education spokesperson said: ‘We’re not going to euthanasia the grammatically challenged kiddie-winks, that would be cruel and time consuming. We are just going to reclassify them as stupid adults.
‘No more small people saying ‘I’m bored’, ‘it’s not fair’ or monopolizing all the jelly. Re-branding illiterate children as simply ‘diminutive idiots’, is an important step in tackling under-achievement in schools; with the next logical step – close all the schools
‘We’re going to break the literacy ceiling. Which means we’ll probably need the ceiling lowered. Or longer arms. We’re not just moving the goal posts. We’re sh$tting in the away team’s dressing room. Childhood literacy will be a thing of the past…as soon as we redefine what history is’.