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First penis transplant, as Clarkson moves to SKY

SKY satellite engineers will work around the cock to detach the flaccid phallus in a complicated surgical manoeuvre which risks damaging the whole scrotum, or James May as he is known. One insider commented: ‘Clarkson is more than just an unsightly protrusion, just mention foreigners and things just spurt out the top of his head – leaving everyone else to clear up the mess.’

A friend said: ‘When you say dick, you think Jeremy. He doesn’t want to be a withered appendage marginalized at the BBC. He needs to be a big throbbing reminder of what a true bell-end is. We just hope the lawyers don’t cock-block the whole deal’.

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