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France secretly speaking English for years

Covert recordings, taken at Emmanuel Macron’s post-election rally, reveal thousands of revellers may have been faking their French chants of support. On the tape, President Macron’s voice clearly drops several octaves – taking on a Ray Winstone-like quality - and is audibly heard telling the crowd: ‘…relax, the cameras are gone. Drop the phoney accent. Let’s all tuck into a nice tub of jellied eels.’

Unbeknownst to many, even Mimes’ silent yells, when trapped in an invisible box, have always been in English. Confessed one Gaelic fraud: ‘To be honest, I haven’t spoken French in years. I’ve just been making noises like ‘pfff’ and ‘bahhh’, while shrugging a lot’. Most only be pretend to understand French, while tutting and hiding behind the wine menu. Others spoke of their relief: ‘It will be wonderful to quit this charade – in fact, what is the English for ‘charade’? Ah, yes - ‘Tory Manifesto’.’

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