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Golf to ignore everything after 1950

Updated: Feb 17, 2023

Open hosts (Muirfield) have voted to maintain their ban on women, bell-bottoms and colour TVs. After a two-year consultation, they agreed that civilization is progressing at an unhealthily brisk pace and that evolving legs to leave the oceans may have been a step too far.

An expert explained: ‘Women would ruin traditions with their slow play, idle chatter and the devil’s menstruation. It is a well-known scientific fact that women are unable to take sport seriously due to their smaller brains and penchant for floral prints.’ Despite this, Emily Pankhurst once swallowed two dozen golf balls in protest over golfing misogyny; although some have speculated that she had simply misread her thyroid medication.

One Muirfield member questioned why women wore oven gloves to play: ‘Women are a menace; digging up our greens and spawning in the lakes. I’ve seen a woman defecate in a bunker – alright, that might have been a fox – but you get the idea’.

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