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Government measures force all people to be alive and dead at the same time

By telling everyone to work from home, but definitely go to the work Christmas party, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has informed the public that it is perilous to sit four desks away from Geoff, but completely fine to get smashed and writhe up against the head of HR's assistant.

A government spokeswoman who will be sacked next week for giggling confirmed, 'The Prime Minister has put a lot of thought and crayonwork into Plan B, and we want the public to make sure they stay in their hovels, while supporting the service sector by also being out at every restaurant, bar and hotel in England.

'Everyone should remain seated at all times while standing, be alive and dead simultaneously, and scoff all of the blue smarties immediately while leaving them to look forward to later.'

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