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Government to introduce new quarantine randomiser

In an attempt to simplify the current quarantine shambles, Westminster has taken the step of abandoning the national definitions, replacing it with an arbitrarily applied quarantine "sentence" at point of entry into the UK. Each individual arriving in the country will be required to spin the Wheel of Misfortune to determine what - if any - isolation action they should undertake, regardless of where their journey started, tell-tale symptoms or CV test results.

"It makes all the administration so much easier" said a government spokesman "We no longer have to track all those troublesome statistics or face the damaging effect on our approval rating of cancelling yet another air-bridge at ridiculously short notice". When queried about the arbitrary nature of this new policy, he indicated that 'extensive research' from the PMs advisors showed that in the long term, the nett effect on the country would be 'more or less' minimal, probably.

Under the new scheme, there will be winners and losers : Ahmed, a 31 year old teenage refugee from Libya, freshly arrived at Wittering Sands, was 'gutted' to find that he would be facing two weeks isolation in a sea-front hotel in Rhyl : whereas Dave Oldham celebrated wife Karen's ten-day quarantine in a migrant reception centre with a fist pump and cries of "back on the lash!"

Owners of the Wheel of Fortune game-show franchise are to sue HMG for breach of format and loss of earnings.

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