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Hancock falls foul of UN's new "no bellends" rule

Updated: Dec 1, 2021

Former Health Secretary Matt Hancock has seen his hopes of joining the UN gravy train dashed after the organisation announced that it had "just this week" implemented a "no bellends" rule that "obviously precluded Matt from taking this post".

The snub is a blow to Mr Hancock, who was hoping to reboot his political career with a little ineffectual posturing and corruption on the international stage, making a change from doing this only at UK level. The post was unpaid, but it's understood that the UK's Dr Covid Death had counted on filling his boots at diplomatic lunches and making some ready cash from contact backhanders along the way.

However, it seems that despite a history of appointing everyone from George W. Bush to Gerri Halliwell, Matt Hancock was a step too far for the UN. In the most decisive bit of action to come out of UN HQ for decades, a "no bellends as envoys" rule was drafted, amended, voted on and formally adopted within 48 hours. This was made possible by the agreement that it would not be applied retrospectively - causing audible sighs of relief in capital cities around the world, and meaning the UK is stuck not only with Rita Ora as a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, but we've still got Matt Hancock too.

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