Much to everyone’s surprise, Shell has doubled its profits, at exactly the same time it increased its prices. Said one gobsmacked motorist: ‘It’s almost as if there wasn’t a shortage of oil or gas after all. Next, you’ll be telling me, there’s no tooth fairy.’
Energy giants denied profiteering: ‘These billion-pound dividends are the result of judicious savings – for instance, we’ve cancelled our Netflix subscription and started to shop at Lidl. The war in Ukraine has reduced the flow of electricity to Europe, particularly solar energy - as we all know the sun only shines out of Zelensky’s arse.’
Asked if they thought the price of oil and gas would continue to rise, said: ‘I think you can bet the house on that – that’s if you can still afford the mortgage.’