High street banks to replace glitchy apps with 'Psychic Spending' to save customers hassle
- Guest Author
- 3 minutes ago
- 2 min read
Following the total disappearance of physical branches and the ongoing 'unexpected downtime' of mobile apps, the banking sector has announced its most innovative transition yet: Pre-Cognitive Wealth Management.
'Our customers have made it clear that they find traditional banking too slow and digital banking too functional,' said a spokesperson for the British Bankers' Association. 'By moving our operations onto the astral plane, we can provide a service that is both deeply personal and entirely unavoidable.'
The new system, dubbed 'Third Eye Finance', involves a circle of vetted mediums based in a darkened basement in Swindon. These 'Intuitive Account Managers' monitor the cosmic vibrations of customers to identify spending needs before the customer even feels the urge to tap a card.
'We sensed that one customer in Leicester was about to enter a period of profound emotional emptiness,' explained a Lead Oracle. 'Rather than waiting for him to waste money on a gym membership he wouldn't use, we took the initiative and debited his account £400 for a vintage taxidermy badger and sixteen crates of artisanal gin. He hasn't thanked us yet, but we know he will in 2029.'
Critics have pointed out that 'Psychic Spending' seems to result in most accounts being emptied within minutes of payday. However, the industry has dismissed these concerns as 'negative energy' and 'a failure to manifest abundance'.
'The old system of "speaking to a human" was outdated,' the spokesperson continued. 'Under the new model, if you have a query, you simply light a sandalwood candle and wait for a sign. It’s exactly like our current telephone banking, only the hold music is the sound of a distant tibetan singing bowl and there’s a 40% higher chance of actually getting through.'
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