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Hogwarts fails OFSTED

Despite an entrance policy designed to weed out the Muggles, Hogwarts’ tests grades against the Dark Arts are down by 48% and there has been an alarming number of staff fatalities. Questions have been asked about the merits of so-called facilitating subjects - such as herbology, frog choir and ‘mocking the ginger kid’. Meanwhile, Hogwarts has been forced to sell off its Quidditch pitch to pay for PFI building working.

Rumours also persist that non-qualified house elves were employed as classroom assistants. Said one bespectacled student: ‘I was promised a scholarship in exchange for fighting Voldemort. I wouldn’t mind, by I keep having to fight him every year’.

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