Horoscopes for September, by The Pilot

Aries

You will wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Correction. You will wake up in the wrong bed. That's what you get when you stay at a Travelodge, you chancer!

Taurus

You will meet a tall park ranger - and can you please wear something on your lower half when you go outside?

Gemini

Everyone thinks you are a great deal maker, but are you losing your edge? Others are challenging you and your prowess is fading. Your negotiating tactics may be too well known and allowing your adversaries to outwit you. Your usual bluster won't cut it this time. You can't force a deal by repeatedly saying we've nearly got a deal. So, Gemini, take a good hard look at yourself and try harder. Especially you, Donald.

Cancer

You will feel like you are on top of the world this month: exhausted, frost-bitten, and in need of oxygen.

Leo

You will complete an important project, and will feel dizzy with success. Either that, or your medicines need adjusting again.

Virgo

No, just no ! Leave it and walk away. JUST LEAVE IT. You'll thank me later.

Libra

A paternity test is not a badge of achievement, you rutting fuckwit. Try keeping it in your pants at least to the end of this sentence.

Scorpio

This month, you will come into some money. You filthy pervert! Is there no end to your depravity!

Sagittarius

Yet again, Cupid's darts will fail to make their mark as you continue the search for The One. Is it time for you to make some serious lifestyle changes ? Waking up in a skip having shat yourself is a bit 'out there' for most dating websites.

Capricorn

Be prepared to have your travel plans change frequently this month. Hey, that's what you get for being an emissary for Donald Trump. Could be a long journey or stay at home. Could be a long journey or stay at home …

Aquarius

The people in your neighbourhood think of you as a card. The one that reads 'Go to Jail. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200’.

Pisces

You will be declared a fine physical specimen ... by the vivisection team aboard the Fremtiballian space cruiser.

Contributions from

daveha: Taurus

Deskpilot: Gemini, Leo

Flasharry: Libra, ,Sagittarius, Virgo

lockjaw: Aquarius,Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Pisces

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