'I'm not like the rest of the Tory flock,' the party's new deputy chairman, Jonathan Livingstone Sea-Gullis, told reporters at a press conference in his cliffside constituency on Rockall.
'They may be content to spend their lives flapping about, squawking manically, taking vicious pecks at each other and carrying out daylight robberies on the British public.
'It's been their way of life for hundreds of years, so good luck to them.
'But I want to take being a Tory politician to the absolute limits. That's why you'll see me, in the weeks to come, way out to sea and making crash dives at terminal velocity into the briny depths of oblivion.
'And if the rest of the Conservative Party has the same determination as me, we'll all go out together in a blaze of glory some time around November - or next January at the latest.
'What do I think my political legacy will be?' said Sea-Gullis, responding to a question from an inquisitive prawn before swallowing it.
'If history is kind to me, I'll end up as the answer to a really obscure question in a pub quiz which hardly anyone gets.
'I'd be happy enough with that. After all, we all have to recognise our limitations, don't we?'