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Investment Banks switch status to ‘Casinos’

Two of the world’s largest and most respected financial institutions have been granted permission to switch their status from investment banks to super-casinos, offering customers the chance to put their savings into roulette, black jack and Texas Hold ‘em.

Investors at Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs will now have their pension funds and mortgages placed on a roulette table, and returns will be based on whether the ball lands on black or red. The move resulted in improved stability in the markets, as some investors saw a slight return on their investments, compared to the universal meltdown of the week before.

The status switch comes after a surprise ruling made yesterday by US Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and will allow the two remaining major investment banks to diversify into a ‘wider risk portfolio’. Today in Wall Street, attractive girls dressed in skimpy clothing were outside the bank offering traders a free cocktail if they went inside to try their luck on the tables. Investors were also invited to dine at the banks, where later on they would be entertained by Neil Diamond. Small investors are being told to deposit their money in one of the machines in the entrance to the bank and then pull the lever on the right. The return on their investment now depends on the number of bells that line up in the display panel. As always, customers are reminded that investments may go down as well as up.

In Britain, the Chancellor followed suit by allowing the merger of Lloyd’s TSB and the Copper Cascade Amusement Arcade at Blackpool. The chairman of the bank Sir Giles Cruddock has swapped his City of London office for a little kiosk on the pier, where he now dispenses change and occasionally points at a sign saying that players must be over 16. ‘A lot of our capital is now tied up in two pence coins that look as if they are all about to tumble into the dispenser. We are saying to our customers at this worrying time, 'keep putting more and more coins in the copper cascade, because you must be due a massive pay out any time now.' Oi, don’t nudge the machine!’

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