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Jacob Rees-Mogg now fully weaned

Updated: Jun 21, 2022

The entity known as Jacob Rees-Mogg, is aged 52 of your Earth years and is now fully weaned.

Rees-Mogg, who lists his hobbies as ordering urchins up chimneys, taking away the rights of workers and nanny’s bosom, has vigorously embraced his absurdly right-wing human-shaped avatar, pronouncing Matt Hancock as a genius, and threatening to administer as many thwacking to as many orphans as he has to in order to get women and the working classes to believe it.

A Tory spokeswoman, who did not wish to be named added ‘Jacob was weaned off “nanny’s nectar” after Brexit as British cows are now so much happier producing British milk.’

She then retched violently before whispering ‘You’ve got to get me out of here. He says there were good people on both sides of the Amritsar massacre. I have to keep this job a secret from my real friends… Help me!’

Rees-Mogg noted that if Brexit had taught us anything, and in his view it hadn't, then the sun should never again set on the uplands of the British Empire before continuing in Latin, then Greek for 15 more minutes, becoming increasingly aroused, eyes rolling backwards in his head, his glasses steaming up at the point of climax.

He then reclined on a rococo chaise longue, before flicking his fingers together and whispering ‘You should see what Gove gets up to... Brrrrap.’

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