Hancock falls foul of UN's new "no bellends" rule

Former Health Secretary Matt Hancock has seen his hopes of joining the UN gravy train dashed after the organisation announced that it had "just this week" implemented a "no bellends" rule that "obviously precluded Matt from taking this post".

The snub is a blow to Mr Hancock, who was hoping to reboot his political career with a little ineffectual posturing and corruption on the international stage, making a change from doing this only at UK level. The post was unpaid, but it's understood that the UK's Dr Covid Death had counted on filling his boots at diplomatic lunches and making some ready cash from contact backhanders along the way.

However, it seems that despite a history of appointing everyone from George W. Bush to Gerri Halliwell, Matt Hancock was a step too far for the UN. In the most decisive bit of action to come out of UN HQ for decades, a "no bellends as envoys" rule was drafted, amended, voted on and formally adopted within 48 hours. This was made possible by the agreement that it would not be applied retrospectively - causing audible sighs of relief in capital cities around the world, and meaning the UK is stuck not only with Rita Ora as a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, but we've still got Matt Hancock too.

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First published 18 Oct 2021

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Boris and Carrie Round Robin letter 2021

Well, blimey, what a year!

For starters, we got Brexit done, as I promised. When I say Brexit was done, I done Brexit. Well, something I call Brexit got done. I didn’t really understand all the technical words in the agreement, but who reads this stuff? I certainly don’t, and anyway, I was knee-deep in awarding contracts for PPE and creating laws for everyone outside of government. Lord knows who would have taken those contracts if it wasn’t for friends and family, eh?

Matt was a real help, working late with his assistant. No idea what his wife thought, but that’s the problem with National crises – people have to stand up to the plate. Matt certainly did that and more. Unfortunately, the papers found out what the more was, but anyway…

We had the decorators in! I know you all expect me to be a dab hand at wallpapering, but I’ve been very busy handing out peerages to generous donors most of the year. Carrie, bless her, set her heart on some gold-coloured paper, and I popped off to B&Q to bag a few rolls. Unfortunately, it wasn’t gold-coloured; it was sheets of pure gold, judging by the price. How we laughed when a party donor paid for the paper and the work. Unfortunately, the papers found out about that and apparently, it’s illegal, but anyway…

We got caught handing out those peerages, which it appears isn’t kosher (but don’t tell anyone I use that phrase). It seems the papers found out, but anyway…

That nasty woman I put in charge of Parliamentary standards started to sniff around. Can’t stand her, and she thinks she knows what her job is. She might have been OK, but she tried to penalise a chum who did some paid work on the side, which in my book is kosher (don’t tell anyone I use that phrase), so I tried to see her off. Not literally, I just wanted to change the odd rule; you know the one, the one that says we have to act within the law. Anyway, my chum Owen decided to leave Parliament after a row even though I’d arranged to change the law to make his side hustles kosher (I probably shouldn’t use that phrase), so we had a bit of a by-election. No problems there – we had a furlough scheme or something back in the day. It seems voters forget stuff that happened back in the day. I can’t really blame them; I do that ALL the time.

Anyway, we were busy awarding contracts or something (you know I don’t like to waste my time reading stuff – I’ve kids to procreate), and the media just kept on going on about me working late running quizzes and stuff last Christmas. Anyway, when we looked up, we had one fewer MP. It’s not really a problem as it now looks like I’ve about 100 fewer MPs following a vote just before I wrote this letter. At least I can rely on those buddies I handed peerages to. Well, I must pop this in the post as I’ve just had an urgent message from Frostie. Probably an invite to Christmas drinks.

Toodles until next year

Bozzer and Carrie

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Discovered Lear nonsensical poem actually new Lockdown Rules

Literary scholars were disappointed to find that a hidden trove of nonsensical ramblings was not the work of Edward Lear but were, instead, the fevered cheese dreams of Sajid Javid. The Health Secretary’s plans for easing Lockdown included owls wearing facemasks, administering vaccines with a runcible spoon and one dirty limerick about Michael Gove.

The first of many read… There was a patient from Nantucket Who had recently kicked the bucket Asked if he'd track & traced Said he didn't want to be placed And had told the NHS App to go f$ck it

Members of the public who were hopping for a coherent strategy, were told that facemasks were optional and that Covid only affected those who were Sagittarius. Javid concluded with a veiled reference to his predecessor...

There was a door that had no lock So covered the knob with a sock But we could still see Because of CCTV The knob belonged to Matt Hancock

image from pixabay

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