Discovered Lear nonsensical poem actually new Lockdown Rules

Literary scholars were disappointed to find that a hidden trove of nonsensical ramblings was not the work of Edward Lear but were, instead, the fevered cheese dreams of Sajid Javid. The Health Secretary’s plans for easing Lockdown included owls wearing facemasks, administering vaccines with a runcible spoon and one dirty limerick about Michael Gove.

The first of many read… There was a patient from Nantucket Who had recently kicked the bucket Asked if he'd track & traced Said he didn't want to be placed And had told the NHS App to go f$ck it

Members of the public who were hopping for a coherent strategy, were told that facemasks were optional and that Covid only affected those who were Sagittarius. Javid concluded with a veiled reference to his predecessor...

There was a door that had no lock So covered the knob with a sock But we could still see Because of CCTV The knob belonged to Matt Hancock

image from pixabay

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Select Committee asks Johnson to step down after obscure 18th-century parliamentary rule emerges

For the second time in a week, conservative MPs have fallen foul of hitherto obscure rules.

Hot on the heels of Matt Hancock's reversal of fortunes with his UN job comes news that Boris Johnson is understood to be considering his position after receiving a letter from a Commons select committee. The letter brought to his attention a recently unearthed 250-year-old parliamentary rule precluding him from carrying out the role of Prime Minister.

The committee's chair told Andrew Marr. 'It's all very unfortunate for Boris, but the little-known rule, drafted in 1774 and never suspended, clearly states that incompetents, philandering chumps and feckless dolts cannot be considered for the job.

'As Mr Johnson passes the litmus test for all three, we have asked him to step down immediately. Therefore, under the rule, he is unfit to hold the office of First Lord of the Treasury.'

However, it seems the PM is not ready to walk just yet. A spokesman for No. 10 said: 'Look, Boris has handed this over to Carrie to sort out as he can't be diverted from his purpose at such a critical time in the nation's welfare.

'To those ends alone, this week, he is already booked for five gala dinners and a Tory fundraiser. All of this before he's then off on a gruelling two-week fact-finding mission in Mustique. Great Britain simply cannot afford to lose his inestimable insight and knowhow in these vital affairs of state.'

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Jacob Rees-Mogg now fully weaned

The entity known as Jacob Rees-Mogg, is aged 52 of your Earth years and is now fully weaned.

Rees-Mogg, who lists his hobbies as ordering urchins up chimneys, taking away the rights of workers and nanny’s bosom, has vigorously embraced his absurdly right-wing human-shaped avatar, pronouncing Matt Hancock as a genius, and threatening to administer as many thwacking to as many orphans as he has to in order to get women and the working classes to believe it.

A Tory spokeswoman, who did not wish to be named added ‘Jacob was weaned off “nanny’s nectar” after Brexit as British cows are now so much happier producing British milk.’

She then retched violently before whispering ‘You’ve got to get me out of here. He says there were good people on both sides of the Amritsar massacre. I have to keep this job a secret from my real friends… Help me!’

Rees-Mogg noted that if Brexit had taught us anything, and in his view it hadn't, then the sun should never again set on the uplands of the British Empire before continuing in Latin, then Greek for 15 more minutes, becoming increasingly aroused, eyes rolling backwards in his head, his glasses steaming up at the point of climax.

He then reclined on a rococo chaise longue, before flicking his fingers together and whispering ‘You should see what Gove gets up to... Brrrrap.’