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Just don't f**king bother, Sunak tells nation

In a surprise move, Rishi Sunak has unveiled procrastination and giving up as the centrepiece of his vision for Britain.

Insisting that the climate crisis was still 'on my to do list - right after cancelling my Netflix subscription', he pledged that the UK would take it's share of the burden - as long as it was free of charge and didn't clash with the footy.

Addressing a lethargically-arranged press conference, the PM - definitely not an AM person - yawned, 'We'll do our bit. Or, a bit, anyway. Just after we've had a duvet day. I want to see a Britain where every time there's a major global challenge to be tackled, we roll up our pyjama sleeves and phone in sick. Wild fires and flooding? Climate refugees on the doorstep? Just keep the curtains drawn and they'll go away.'

Asked how slackening home energy efficiency standards made sense in an energy bills crisis, he merely winked and remarked, 'You know, the one thing I can get round to on time is checking my BP dividends. And my house rental income'.

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