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Labour: You must have Sky Sports to vote

Having agreed magnanimously to allow Jeremy Corbyn to stand in the leadership election for which he is already the leader, Labour’s Executive (NEC) have ruled that all new members must pay £25 for the privilege of voting; alongside a pint of blood, a medieval tithe and a mooring fee for any yachts. In remembrance of their working-class roots, the NEC has also declared that all polling booths will now be ‘black tie only’.

Cynics would suggest that this is an attempt to gerrymander elections and disenfranchise the unemployed, destitute or anyone who has recently bought shares in BHS. One Blairite explained: ‘It’s not about keeping the riffraff out, it’s merely a way of filtering out the ne'er do wells or socialists as you call them. For goodness sake, £25 is less than a good bottle of Moet.’

An NEC executive defended the unscheduled and secret change to voting rights: ‘It’s still perfectly straight forward to vote. Any new members just need to gather five unicorn tears in a leprechaun’s shoe.’

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