‘Thirty years ago the LibDems were a proper political party’ said Steve, a Liberal Democrat from Stoke. ‘People weren’t embarrassed to say they were LibDems. We had a decent number of MPs. I think we even had some policies. You could get laid – ok, we were 3rd choice but at least we were in the running’.
That all seems like a distant dream. Giant pandas have more sex than LibDems now – which is ironic, given that the cause of their demise was the colossal shafting which David Cameron gave to Nick Clegg over tuition fees. (The LibDems' demise, not the pandas).
‘We can’t bring back the good old days but we can teach Conservatives how to cling on to the wreckage’, said Steve. ‘Maybe one day they’ll seem relevant again’.
It’s hard to imagine a future world where Conservatism might seem relevant – unless you’re a dystopian novelist or a zombie fan - but Steve is upbeat.
‘We start by showing delegates how to apply for a job. In many cases it’s the first real job they’ll have had. We have to explain quite basic concepts, like turn up on time, don’t talk over the boss, don’t patronise, don’t shag everybody you see, produce some tangible output. That’s the hardest part, really. If you ask them to, I dunno, fix a toaster they’ll do jack shit and then tell you that their toasters are world-beating – when the bloody thing still doesn’t work. If “clueless fantasist” was an actual job this would be a lot easier.
'Resilience is important, too. We try to prepare them for anonymity – I know LibDems, ex-MPs, who can’t get automatic doors to open. They just stand there, waving, while normal people walk up and the doors open – it’s incredibly frustrating. You know how people in cars pick their noses because they think they’re invisible? Liberal Democrats actually are invisible – we could clean out our arse cracks on the high street without being spotted’.
Is there much demand for Steve’s services?
‘Not yet’, he tells us. ‘They imagine they’ll be able to get work with GB News. As if. One minute after the election that plug will be pulled. And those directorships only happen if there’s a possibility you might return and be able to repay the favour. It’s slow now but I think we’re going to be busy next year. Very busy. Now if I can only persuade this f*cking door to open so I can get in to the office . . . ‘
image from pixabay