LibDems to provide ‘wilderness survival’ training to Tory MPs

‘Thirty years ago the LibDems were a proper political party’ said Steve, a Liberal Democrat from Stoke. ‘People weren’t embarrassed to say they were LibDems. We had a decent number of MPs. I think we even had some policies. You could get laid – ok, we were 3rd choice but at least we were in the running’.

That all seems like a distant dream. Giant pandas have more sex than LibDems now – which is ironic, given that the cause of their demise was the colossal shafting which David Cameron gave to Nick Clegg over tuition fees. (The LibDems' demise, not the pandas).

‘We can’t bring back the good old days but we can teach Conservatives how to cling on to the wreckage’, said Steve. ‘Maybe one day they’ll seem relevant again’.

It’s hard to imagine a future world where Conservatism might seem relevant – unless you’re a dystopian novelist or a zombie fan - but Steve is upbeat.

‘We start by showing delegates how to apply for a job. In many cases it’s the first real job they’ll have had. We have to explain quite basic concepts, like turn up on time, don’t talk over the boss, don’t patronise, don’t shag everybody you see, produce some tangible output. That’s the hardest part, really. If you ask them to, I dunno, fix a toaster they’ll do jack shit and then tell you that their toasters are world-beating – when the bloody thing still doesn’t work. If “clueless fantasist” was an actual job this would be a lot easier.

'Resilience is important, too. We try to prepare them for anonymity – I know LibDems, ex-MPs, who can’t get automatic doors to open. They just stand there, waving, while normal people walk up and the doors open – it’s incredibly frustrating. You know how people in cars pick their noses because they think they’re invisible? Liberal Democrats actually are invisible – we could clean out our arse cracks on the high street without being spotted’.

Is there much demand for Steve’s services?

‘Not yet’, he tells us. ‘They imagine they’ll be able to get work with GB News. As if. One minute after the election that plug will be pulled. And those directorships only happen if there’s a possibility you might return and be able to repay the favour. It’s slow now but I think we’re going to be busy next year. Very busy. Now if I can only persuade this f*cking door to open so I can get in to the office . . . ‘

image from pixabay

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Labour, Lib Dem & SNP voters face arrest

Having successfully smashed the chances of 6 guys with placards overthrowing the monarchy, the Public Order Bill is set to come slamming down on Labour, the Lib Dems, SNP and probably the Green Party as well – just to be on the safe side. All of their MPs and party members face arrest and immediate deportation to Rwanda.

Anyone considered to be considering voting for those parties will be arrested on the morning of the next general election, just before polling begins. They will be held until just after the polls close, before being released without charge. The subsequent apology will come with air quotes.

Home Secretary Suella Braverman was allegedly seen salivating and naming the plan “Operation British Values”.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst clarified ‘These protesters, who self-identify as the Labour party, plan to interfere with key national infrastructure like roads and railways. Labour have suggested they might nationalise the railways. This might make the trains run on time and would definitely cost the taxpayer less money – and we can’t have that. They’re also threatening to properly fund local authorities, the NHS and social care and not fund their mates or their wives share portfolios. These are not British values, so it’s time for the Met Police to do what they do best – well, 4th best, after committing rapes, failing to investigate those rapes and being institutionally racist.’

Labour intern Shelley Stevenson said ‘They’ve nothing to worry about. Literally. We’re not going to do anything. Not even wave placards.’

Image:https://pixabay.com/users/jackmac34-483877/

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LibDems in talks with Larry the cat

MPs have expressed anger that Larry the Downing Street cat has been offered the position of chief of staff to the Liberal Democrat party. Critics believe the appointment will undermine the impartiality of cats who are constitutionally disdainful and aloof to human beings.

The leader of the Liberal Democrats, who’s name slips me for now, said: ‘When world leaders descend on Downing Street, Larry is either nowhere to be seen or he just sits in front of the cameras licking his backside. These are qualities we greatly admire. Welcome aboard, Larry!’

The news follows an announcement by Matt Hancock that he is to become chief of staff to the Care Home Association.

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