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Only the Lib Dems can win here



Lib Dem campaigners have descended on the Vatican with their familiar orange placards. ‘Only the Lib Dems can win here,’ warn the activists, wiggling their placards in a mildly threatening, yet inclusive, way.


The statistics are convincing. Based on a re-analysis of general elections in the UK since WW2, alongside a re-imagining of local government and mayoral elections since 1966, and a highly defensible and academically rigorous translation of those results onto past papal elections, it is abundantly clear that only the Lib Dems can win.


A spokesman told us, ‘Only the Lib Dems can beat the right-wing traditionalist candidates to be Pope. And only the Lib Dems can beat the left-wing modernising namby-pamby candidates to be Pope. If elected, we will change the papal colours from purple to orange, as it’s more sustainable. Make sure you are in Saint Peter’s Square at 2pm today – Ed Davey is doing a truly hilarious stunt.’


When questioned, the spokesman seemed unclear who the Lib Dem candidate was, but did forcefully reiterate that ‘Only the Lib Dems can win here’.


Image: WixAI


Lib-Dem Party considers changing its name to Unpopulist Party



'We've done our best to avoid pissing people off, and we've consistently opposed Brexit' said a calm, polite, sensible-looking spokesman / spokesperson / spoke / speaker / whatever-the-most-inoffensive / non-challenging / politically acceptable title currently is 'and we are told that being "populist", whatever that actually means, is apparently regarded as not-a-good-thing.'


'So after a lot of - er, OK, maybe a little bit of - brainstorming = well, gentle brain-mildly-inclement-weatherstorming - we had been considering changing the name of our party to something like the Unpopulist Party, or perhaps the Unpopular Front for Democratic Liberalism. (We decided to politely ignore the troublemakers, with all due respect, who had suggested calling ourselves the Unpopular Front for Liberal Democracy.)'


'However when we tried to find out how the voters would be likely to respond to this change, we were dismayed to receive a near-universal response of "Who the f**k are the Liberal Democrats?". So instead of changing our name from one which no-one had heard of to a different one which no-one even understood, we decided to carry on spending our time blindfold underwater bungee-jumping on unicycles instead. At least that's a bit more fun, and definitely more useful than engaging in politics.'




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