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Lloyd Webber defeats touts by writing shows no one wants to see

The music empresario and answer to the question 'what does a melted Hugh Grant look like?', has decided to stop over-inflated theatre prices, by continuing to make over-inflated shows. He has promised to combat ticket touts by reducing the demand to see his musicals to absolute zero - something that could have been achieved years ago, if only Bonnie Langford had not signed that NDA.

His most recent production involves Michael Ball, dressed as a ginger tomcat on roller skates, who enters into an unlikely sexual tryst with Eva Peron. The final act tragically concludes with Eva choking to death on a fur ball. Racked by grief, Michael ends his own life in a freak but mildly comical collision at a roller disco.

In recent years the Tory Lord has had mixed success with sequels to his hit musicals; with notable flops being 'The Phantom Menace', 'The Woman in Shite' and 'Jesus Christ, not another one'. Said one Tout: 'Prices keep going up. It now costs me £100 to get rid of one of these tickets.'

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