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Lung Cancer still the coolest of cancers

Scientists and guys with leather jackets have hailed the number of smokers reaching the one billion mark as a ringing endorsement of hazy jazz clubs, pulmonary disease and Dot Cotton. A pro-cancer spokesman said: ‘This summer, malignant growths will be the new black...and brown...and yellowish green’.

Anti-smoking campaigns wilfully ignore the fact that cigarettes conveniently trim off the least attractive years from our lives. One tobacco expert explained: ‘Despite smoking killing five times more people than road accidents, overdoses, murder, suicide and HIV all put together; who wouldn’t want the body of Chris Moyles, the face of Keith Richards and the smell of Pete Doherty?’

One hardened smoker admitted: ‘I might not be James Dean but I can grow a tumour that looks like him’.

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