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Man downs three-course lunch by 10:30am

A Norfolk man had face-binned his breakfast, brunch and a three-course luncheon at his desk by 10:27am it has been confirmed.

Spreadsheet-shuffler Rod Flannigan foolishly placed his transparent lunch box within the viewing angle of his laptop screen when starting work and was subsequently seen chowing down in anger before anyone had even made tea, according to witnesses.

‘I made the classic mistake of thinking I'd just have a bite of flapjack whilst firing up Outlook, which of course was bound to escalate! Before I knew what was happening I had grapes and Dairylea in my gob at the same time and my own hands force-fed me peanuts relentlessly like some Hadean punishment for gluttony' Rod admitted of the feeding frenzy that would have made a Great White Shark look like a fussy eater.

'It was like a starving lion neck deep in a zebra's ribcage' recounted a shaken colleague. ‘When I looked up there were crumbs and organic debris flying across the table as his substantial rations disintegrated into that howling maw in a matter of seconds. I got a crisp shard in my eye, McCoy’s Beef Flavour I think'.

Flannigan was later hosed down and put back to work in a dazed state before being spotted queuing at the chip van at 11:45, eating a sausage roll.

‘It’s something about work, I don’t eat like this at home’ he added. ‘We don’t have a chip van’.

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