A spokesman for rotund males admitted: 'I know we could lose a few pounds but what can we eat? We are told no fats, no proteins and now the spud. I'm genuinely confused. It grows in the ground, right? What is it then? Some kind of meat? If it’s a meat, it should probably taste better'.
Fears are now rising that watching Sky Sports Live may not be the equivalent of three hours of gym exercise, as the brochure had claimed. Equally so, sucking a polo mint after dinner is understood to be no substitute for actually brushing your teeth.
In fact, recent health reports classify the humble potato's nutritional value as being on par with asbestos or licking the underside of Eric Pickles. ‘First it was five-a-day. Now it’s ten. Ten! I can't even name ten vegetables, let alone fit them into the same sandwich.’