'You're all being very unfair to Mr Raab,' said the man who declared the sea closed last week.
'I could see the sea was full already, with fish, water and stuff - lots of plastic stuff, and poo - lots of poo - have you ever seen a fish get out to go? Or a holidaymaker come to that? I decided that unless the fish got out, Raab couldn't go in. He was very disappointed, said something about phone calls to make, had a waterproof mobile phone, and needing to get a bit of paddle-boarding in, but I said no. There's a lovely ocean over there if you likes, Mr Raab, I said. It's a bit full of water too, lots of plastic and quite a bit of poo, but not as many fish thanks to the plastic and the poo.'
The man admitted that he did take some sympathy with the Foreign Secretary. 'I said he could take a widdle if he liked, but no bloody paddle boarding.'