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‘Manspread’ to replace butter

An unconventional low-fat spread, which involves collecting a watery emulsion from the inner thighs of a hirsute man, has proved a wildly popular alternative to butter.

Manspread can be found on any public transport, where the spread has encroached on other seats, leaving a distinctive sticky residue, combined with the heady aroma of a festering jockstrap.

The origins of Manspread date back to the Napoleonic era, when aroused Frenchmen would regularly ferment cream in the folds of their nether regions. Subsequently, it has proved very popular among dieters, who claim that calorie intake is significantly reduced when food is smeared in unappetising man juice.

One food critic commented: ‘A cottage industry has sprung up where you will regularly see men on their daily commute, legs spread apart, churning their own milk. This is a non-dairy spread, which ironically has also led to a lot more cottaging.’

As yet, a non-salted version is not available, but there is an almost unlimited supply of man-dripping, particularly on hot days.

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