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Met Police launches new recruitment drive aimed at divorced alcoholic mavericks

Updated: Jun 21, 2022

The Met Police has defended a new recruitment advertising campaign which targets alcoholics, divorcees, misfits, mavericks and veterans of unpopular military campaigns that the public didn't really understand.

In an unprecedented campaign, adverts have appeared on the side of can of Tennents Extra, on notice boards in reception at firms of family lawyers and divorce courts and psychiatrists have been recruited to recommend any patients displaying signs of autism, obsession or post traumatic stress disorder.

'We particularly welcome applications from the maverick community, who are underrepresented in the Metropolitan Police,' said chief commissioner Bernard Hogan-Howe, 'If your marriage is on the rocks, if you have a drink problem and if you have got a hunch, my message to you is this. We will find you and we will hire you.'

Each maverick may be given a side-kick who will be able to cover the maverick's arse in a variety of ways. The side-kicks have been trained to make up alibis, do the paperwork, accompany the maverick to the pub and assist in interrogations.

Home Office efficiency targets have meant that by the book policemen who come from stable homes with a life-partner and children are becoming seen as more and more of an expensive luxury. 'In the past the safe copper who filled in paper work, turned up to do a 9 to 5, and didn't sleep in his car in a puddle of vomit whilst starring at pictures of old loved ones, where exactly what the MET were looking for' explained head of HR Lucy Thorton, 'But we all know such pen pushers are there to make us look good, the acceptable face of modern policing, but goddammit we need results.'

Thumping the table to emphasise the point Thorton reasoned that 'if it means that we have to turn to socially unstable winos who can stitch up a few weak member of society as some sort of redemption for their own relationship failings then by God I'm prepared to take that risk. Maybe that makes me a bad head of HR. Maybe it just means I hate crime that little bit more than others.'

The MET have also toyed with the idea of pairing wild maverick cops with other wild maverick cops instead of the traditional maverick-straight laced cop combination favoured since the times of Robert Peel. 'Just think how much more fun it'll be watching Police Camera Action with 2 out of control men going through a mid life breakdown before your eyes, firing wildly into the night sky and shouting the names of their ex-wives between uncontrollable sobs' figured hapless Mayor of London Boris Johnson. 'It's a win-win'.

ronseal & thisisall1word

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