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MI6 to recruit 1,000 unemployed steel workers

For a country still balls-deep in austerity, the UK has magically found millions of pounds to invest in false beards and pens that shoot lasers. This is great news for any steel worker from Port Talbot who wishes to retrain as spy. Any P45 can become 007 through a simple induction process of making love to a mysterious Russian agent and killing an assailant with your thumb.

An MI6 spokeswoman insisted: ‘We need the extra staff to protect the UK from violent extremists hell-bent on destroying our democracy – Jeremy Corbyn isn’t going assassinate himself you know’.

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