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More money saving tips, from financial guru Martin Clueless

Winter has arrived, and it’s becoming even harder to make ends meet. Don’t panic - here are some more hints to help you to save a few pounds: 1. If you’re having a bath, save money on water and energy by chucking your dirty laundry into the bath as well. Washing powder is basically the same as Radox, but maybe use hypoallergenic laundry detergent, just to be safe. 2. Don’t bother sending Christmas cards. Tell everyone they’ve got lost in the post, or pretend you’re one of those smug twats who donates to charity instead of buying cards. 3. Don’t buy Christmas presents for your friends and family. Give them a picture of a goat you’ve printed out from the internet, and say you’ve sponsored a goat for a family in Burundi on their behalf. They won’t check. 4. Harvest the crumbs from under the sofa cushions, dampen them slightly, and mould them together to make new biscuits. They might taste a bit hairy, but they’ll be nicer than Aldi Rich Tea. 5. Sneak into your neighbour’s garden, and plug an extension lead into his outdoor electrical socket. You can then run all your appliances without worrying about the cost. Serves him right for making you suffer his shite music blasting through the wall whenever he’s p*ssed. 6. If you get a charity bag through your letterbox, nip out on collection day and help yourself from your neighbours’ filled bags before the charity van arrives. It’s not stealing – you can donate them to charity at a later date, when they’re worn out. Have a good rummage through the bag belonging to the woman who wears all the designer gear. Give the bungalow a miss where the old woman lives who stinks of cat p*ss. 7. Go to a restaurant and pretend to be a waiter. Helpfully clear the customers’ plates when they’ve finished, then discretely scrape any leftovers into a doggy bag to take home. You could even go to the kitchen and tell the chef that several customers have complained about their food and demanded replacement meals – which you can slip into your doggy bag as you head for the door. At least then you’ll be taking food home that doesn’t already have teeth marks in it. Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered, or criminal charges brought against any readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.

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