Updated: Apr 24, 2022
Dickensian pipe-cleaner Jacob Rees-Mogg will not receive fixed penalty fines for attending Downing Street parties, because Nanny saw fit to formally decline all offers in a handwritten scroll handed in to Number 10 by Jacob, at luncheon.
Downing Street sources claim in the letter the MP for 19th century Somerset was ‘strictly forbidden to participate in fraternisation with subordinates in a way that may compromise his moral, spiritual, and ethical values by promoting the formation of a virtuous character and empathetic thinking.’
The letter also stipulated that ‘under no circumstance should the contents of Master Jacob’s piggy bank be used towards the purchase of alcohol, opium, harlots, or gifts for departing drones.’
An adviser close to Mr. Rees-Mogg divulged: ‘Jacob recently suggested he was too important to engage in turgid dalliance with Covid-saturated Downing Street plebs, mindlessly blathering on about the resurgence of some godforsaken ‘Gooners’ under Mikel Arteta, or participate in a spad circle-jerk over the latest footage of Matt Hancock’s cctv office rodeo show.
‘Let’s face it, no one was ever going to invite the Minister for Brexit Opportunities to a party and after a thimbleful of sweet sherry bore everyone stupid on karaoke with pithy ditties from HMS Pinafore.
‘And let’s say JRM was found to have attended parties, it’s common knowledge that if there’s any spanking to be administered there’s only one knee he’s going to lie across, and whose robust nipple he’ll gently but nostalgically bite down upon to ease the pain.
‘You know I’m referring to Nanny, not Bojo, don’t you?’