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Nation leaves Boris unattended

Man-baby Boris was left to play with flammable items such as matches, Brexit negotiations and the nuclear launch codes. Age 52 ¾, he is best described as an awkward child, whose clumsy antics on zip wires and with women not his wife, are well-documented. Staff at the Foreign Office attest to seeing Mr. Johnson wandering around in his pyjamas and in a confused state, asking: ‘What’s Article 50? Where’s Nanny? And who’s up for some rumpy pumpy?’

An NSPCC spokesman said: ‘Boris isn’t just for Xmas or the referendum – he’s going to chewing up the furniture and UK trade agreements for years to come. You wouldn’t leave a dog unattended for an extended period of time and the same applies to Boris. A dog would quickly get distressed, start defecating and gnawing at his own balls…and the same applies to Boris.’

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