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Nuns to go topless on French beaches

The town of Cannes has insisted that in order maintain secularism all 'hot women of faith' will be stripped by armed police - who will then administer scented lotions to the dulcet tones Sacha Distel. Anyone caught wearing a burkini will be summarily dunked in the sea; if they float they are a witch and if they sink no one cares.

The Mayor explained: 'This isn't about persecuting religious symbols; it's about safe beach attire. We'll be replacing turbans and kippahs with swim caps. And all wedding rings will be substituted with rubber ones. Oh and no using wooden crucifixes as a buoyancy aid, that's cheating'.

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